This week after a painful experience with feeling rejected, I poured out my heart to God. All of the under-the-surface thoughts. The feelings. The questions. I put it all out there, had a good cry, and went to bed.
I was awakened sometime in the middle of the night with this question: “What do you need?” and I replied, “I just need to hear you better.” I went back to sleep.
I went about my life, of course, just like we all do in the midst of our hurt and questions. I think it was Thursday by the time I realized I was having a recurring dream each night with the theme of a calming, peaceful, crystal clear pool of clean water – with someone in it, quietly waiting for me to follow him.
So as I hopped on my stationary bike Thursday morning I pulled out the trusty interpretation book I like to use:
Water: (1) The Holy Spirit (flowing water); (2) The Word of God (still water); (3) Cleansing; (4) Heart; (5) Desire for God (thirsting); (6) Prayers; (7) Peoples; (8) Peace (still waters); (9) Calm (still water); (10) In the Spirit (in the water); …(includes more references about dirty water that don’t apply)
Clear water: (1) Holy Spirit; (2) Life; (3) Cleansing; (4) God’s word
And then it occurred to me that I had read something new earlier this week. Somewhere in between underlined places in my Bible about confrontation and generosity, God had whispered something to me. And there he was, waiting to lead me back into it.
Offering personal, conversational instruction right there in black and white, God had already told me exactly what I was asking, before I had even asked it. And then he waited for me. Every night, he waited there in that pool of water, inviting me back into his Word so that I could know what he had to say about it.
I don’t know if this will mean anything to you but I am going to record it here for my own sake regarding God’s plans for me:
“And here is my judgment about what is best for you in this matter. Last year you were first not only to give but also to have the desire to do so. Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have.” (2 Corinthians 8:10)
And then today in reviewing more, I was also brought here where God spoke to me about the sorrow I have carried as a result of the conflict:
“See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.” (2 Corinthians 7:11)
I can’t express the magnitude of the questions I was asking. Identity. Purpose. The big stuff.
All of it in 2 verses. Answered. Solved. Encouraged. “Keep Going.”
So I ask you this today: What do you need? Are you pouring out your heart over something, but feel like you are missing the answer? Perhaps it has been waiting there in the still water; in the palm of your hand, inside your closed Bible, like mine was this week.